Gaslighting refers to intentional attempts to manipulate you into doubting your feelings, perception of events, and reality in general. Learn more about how you can respond.

Do any of the following phrases sound familiar?

  • “You must be going crazy. That’s not what happened.”
  • “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
  • “You’re imagining things.”
  • “No need to be so sensitive. I was only joking.”

If someone in your life often says things like this to you, you may be experiencing gaslighting.

Someone trying to gaslight you typically wants to confuse you and make you doubt yourself to increase your likelihood of agreeing to what they want.

Although emotionally abusive partners and family members commonly use this tactic, gaslighting can also show up in friendships or the workplace. Left unchecked, it can have a serious impact on your mental health, productivity at work, and other relationships.

Here are eight tips for responding and taking back control.

Gaslighting isn’t always easy to recognize, especially since it often starts small, and other behaviors can sometimes seem similar.

True gaslighting develops into a pattern of manipulation. The person gaslighting you generally wants you to doubt yourself and depend on their version of reality.

Someone who offers a different opinion than yours, even in a rude or critical way, isn’t necessarily gaslighting.

People can also gaslight unintentionally. “I don’t have time to listen to this” or “Don’t you think you’re overreacting?” may not be helpful responses, but they don’t always mean the other person wants to manipulate you.

When considering whether someone is trying to gaslight you, consider your feelings, not just their actions.

How do you feel?

Gaslighting often leads you to:

  • doubt and question yourself
  • constantly wonder whether you’re too sensitive
  • apologize frequently
  • have difficulty with decision making
  • feel generally unhappy, confused, and not like your usual self
  • avoid loved ones since you don’t know how to explain what’s going on

It’s understandable and valid to experience a lot of strong emotions when experiencing gaslighting.

However, try not to let them guide your immediate reaction. Remaining calm can help you handle the situation more effectively.

You might want to deny what the person trying to gaslight you has said — after all, it’s completely untrue. But they may not back down, and your distress can encourage them to keep trying to manipulate you.

To get some physical space, suggest taking a break and revisiting the topic later. Going for a walk or stepping outside briefly can help you clear your mind and refocus.

If you can’t physically leave, try instead:

Documenting your interactions with someone trying to gaslight you can help you keep track of what’s really happening. When they deny a conversation or event took place, you can go back and check the truth for yourself.

Here are a few ideas:

  • Save or take screenshots of texts and emails.
  • Take photos of any damaged property.
  • Note dates and times of conversations.
  • Summarize your conversations with direct quotes when possible.
  • Use your phone to record conversations. Laws in your area may prevent you from using these recordings if you need to seek legal assistance, but you can inform others about the situation.

While collecting evidence, be sure to set boundaries and practice self-care so as not to overwhelm or increase anxiety. This may be especially true if you’re highly anxious, as documenting gaslighting may lead to rumination, and this behavior could increase feelings of anxiety.

Gaslighting works because it confuses you and shakes your confidence. If you show that the behavior doesn’t bother you, the person trying to gaslight you may decide it isn’t worth it.

In addition to lies and misdirection, gaslighting often involves criticism and insults. Calling these out — calmly and assertively — shows them you won’t accept the behavior. Don’t be afraid to speak up, since making others aware of the situation gives them more incentive to leave you alone.

They may try to disguise insults as jokes, backhanded compliments, or say, “I’m only trying to help.” Asking them to explain the joke as if you don’t understand may help them realize these strategies won’t work on you.

Say a co-worker in your department makes a flippant remark implying you don’t do your fair share of work. You might respond with, “Actually, I’ve completed the tasks for this week already. We can review those now if you like.”

Everyone remembers things a little differently than how they happened on occasion, and you might wonder, “What if it did happen the way they said?”

But don’t give in to the urge to question yourself — they want you to doubt reality.

You know what happened, so repeat it calmly and confidently. Showing them any proof you have could help encourage them to back down, but it may not have an impact.

If they continue challenging you, don’t get drawn into conflict. Arguing can lead to further tension and put you in a position where you’re more vulnerable to manipulation. By refusing to argue, you protect yourself and maintain control over the situation.

You might say something like, “It seems we remember things differently, but I don’t want to argue about it.” Avoid further discussion by changing the subject or leaving the room.

Taking care of your physical and emotional needs probably won’t do anything to directly address the gaslighting, but good self-care can still make a difference by improving your state of mind. A gaslighter may try to make you feel undeserving of self-care or label practices as lazy or indulgent. However, it is important to maintain self-care habits despite this.

Worries about gaslighting and its potential impact on your job or relationships can creep into all areas of your life, making it tough to find any pleasure in even your favorite things.

However, dedicating time to relaxation and wellness practices can improve your physical and mental health, helping you feel stronger and more capable of facing challenges in your daily life.

You might worry talking with other people about the situation will lead to drama. But when dealing with gaslighting, it’s important to get insight and support from people you trust. Seeking input from different people in your life can help reinforce your knowledge that you aren’t confused, “crazy,” or losing your memory.

When ongoing gaslighting happens at work or in other social situations, avoid meeting with the person alone when possible. It’s best to limit your contact, but if you have to meet with them, bring along someone neutral and trustworthy or ask them to listen in on the conversation.

Remember, you’re not pulling them in to take sides. You simply want them to observe what’s happening. Someone trying to use gaslighting tactics will typically have a harder time manipulating more than one person.

Gaslighting can sometimes become serious, even abusive. This doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong — emotional abuse is often difficult to confront.

Talking with a therapist is always a good first step. Directories like He galthline’s find a therapist tool can help you start your search for local counseling resources.

Find help now

If you’re experiencing gaslighting from a partner or family member, the National Domestic Violence Hotline provides free, confidential telephone and chat support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Call 1-800-799-7233 or talk with a counselor.

If the gaslighting happens at work, your human resources department may also offer support. Learn more about harassment and filing a charge from the United States Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

You can also find out if your employer offers an Employee Assistance Program (EAP).

EAPs are voluntary, work-based programs that offer mental health assessments, counseling, and medical referrals to employees with personal or work-related emotional well-being problems.

Gaslighting can isolate you, but you don’t need to handle it alone. Both therapists and hotline counselors can offer guidance based on your specific situation, including safety planning tips and resources to help you handle a crisis or potentially abusive situation.