Healing a broken heart takes time, but building certain habits, like practicing self-compassion and journaling, can help ease the process.
Heartbreak is a universal experience that comes with intense emotional anguish and distress.
While many people associate a broken heart with the end of a romantic relationship, therapist Jenna Palumbo, LCPC, emphasizes that “grief is complicated.” The death of a loved one, job loss, changing careers, losing a close friend — all of these can leave you brokenhearted and feeling like your world will never be the same.
There’s no way around it: healing a broken heart takes time. But there are things you can do to support yourself through the healing process and protect your emotional well-being.
It’s essential to look after your own needs after heartbreak, even if you don’t always feel like it.
Give yourself permission to grieve
Grief is not the same for everyone, said Palumbo, and the best thing you can do for yourself is to give yourself permission to feel all of your sadness, anger, loneliness, or guilt.
“Sometimes, by doing that, you unconsciously give those around you permission to feel their own grief, too, and you won’t feel like you’re alone in it anymore.”
You just might find that a friend’s gone through similar pain and has some pointers for you.
Take care of yourself
When you’re experiencing heartbreak, it’s easy to forget to take care of your personal needs. But grieving isn’t just an emotional experience; it also depletes you physically.
Indeed, research has shown that physical and emotional pain travel along the same pathways in the brain.
Deep breathing, meditation, and exercise can be great ways to preserve your energy. But don’t beat yourself up over it, either. Simply making an effort to eat and stay hydrated can go a long way. Take it slow, one day at a time.
Lead the way in letting people know what you need
Kristen Carpenter, PhD, a psychologist in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Medicine at Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center, said everyone copes with loss in their own way.
She advises being clear about whether you prefer to grieve privately, with the support of close friends, or with a wide circle of people accessible through social networks.
Getting your needs out there will save you from trying to think of something in the moment, said Carpenter. It will also allow someone who wants to be supportive to help you and make your life easier by checking something off your list.
Write down what you need (aka the ‘notecard method’)
How it works:
- Sit down and make a list of what you need, including needs for tangible and emotional support. This could involve mowing the grass, grocery shopping, or simply talking on the phone.
- Get a stack of notecards and write down one item on each card.
- When people ask how they can help, hand them a notecard or have them choose something they feel they can do. This relieves the pressure to articulate your needs on the spot when someone asks.
Go outdoors
Research
Read self-help books and listen to podcasts
Knowing that others have gone through similar experiences and come out on the other side can help you feel less alone.
Reading a book or listening to a podcast about your particular loss can also provide you with validation and be a supportive way for you to process your emotions.
Try a feel-good activity
Set aside time every day for doing something that makes you feel positive, whether that’s journaling, meeting up with a close friend, or watching a show that makes you laugh.
Scheduling moments that bring you joy is vital for healing a broken heart.
Seek professional help
It’s important to talk about your feelings with others and not numb yourself out. This is easier said than done, and it’s natural to need some extra help.
If you find that your grief is too much to bear on your own, a mental health professional can help you work through painful emotions. Even just 2 or 3 sessions can help you develop some new coping tools.
After giving yourself some space to grieve and tending to your needs, start looking toward creating new routines and habits that can help you continue to process your loss.
Don’t try to suppress the pain
“Don’t waste energy on feeling ashamed or guilty about your feelings,” said Carpenter. Instead, “invest that energy in making concrete efforts to feel better and to heal.”
Consider giving yourself 10 to 15 minutes each day to acknowledge and feel your sadness. By giving it some dedicated attention, you may find it popping up less and less throughout your day.
Practice self-compassion
Self-compassion involves treating yourself with love and respect while not judging yourself.
Think of how you would treat a close friend or family member going through a hard time. What would you say to them? What would you offer them? How would you show them you care? Take your answers and apply them to yourself.
Create space in your schedule
When you’re going through a difficult time, it can be easy to distract yourself with activities. While this can be helpful, make sure you’re still leaving yourself some space to process your feelings and have some downtime.
Foster new traditions
If you’ve ended a relationship or lost a loved one, you may feel like you’ve lost a lifetime of traditions and rituals. Holidays can be particularly hard.
Allow friends and family to help you create new traditions and memories. Don’t hesitate to reach out for some extra support during major holidays.
Write it down
Once you’ve had some time to sit with your feelings, journaling can help you better organize them and give you a chance to unload any emotions that might be hard to share with others.
Find a support system
Regularly attending or engaging in in-person or online support groups can provide a safe environment to help you cope. It’s also healing to share your feelings and challenges with those in similar situations.
Connect with yourself
Going through a big loss or change can leave you feeling unsure of yourself and who you are. You can overcome this by connecting to your body through exercise, spending time in nature, or connecting with your spiritual and philosophical beliefs.
As you navigate the process of healing a broken heart, it’s helpful to have realistic expectations. From pop songs to rom-coms, society can give a warped view of what heartbreak actually entails.
Here are a few things to keep in the back of your mind.
Your experience is valid
The death of a loved one is the more overt form of grief, Palumbo explains, but covert grief can look like the loss of a friendship or relationship. Or maybe you’re starting a new phase of your life by changing careers or becoming an empty nester.
Whatever it is, it’s important to validate your grief. This simply means recognizing the impact it’s had on your life.
It’s not a competition
It’s natural to compare your situation to that of others, but heartbreak and grieving aren’t a competition.
Just because it’s the loss of a friendship and not the death of a friend doesn’t mean the process isn’t the same, said Palumbo. “You’re relearning how to live in a world without an important relationship you once had.”
There’s no expiration date
Grief is not the same for everyone, and it has no timetable. Avoid statements like “I should be moving on by now,” and give yourself all of the time you need to heal.
You can’t avoid it
As hard as it might feel, you have to move through it. The more you put off addressing painful emotions, the longer it will take for you to start feeling better.
Expect the unexpected
As your grief evolves, so will the intensity and frequency of heartbreak.
At times, it will feel like soft waves that come and go. But some days, it might feel like an uncontrollable jolt of emotion. Try not to judge how your emotions manifest.
You’ll have periods of happiness
Remember that it’s OK to fully experience moments of joy as you grieve. Spend part of each day focusing on the present moment, and allow yourself to embrace the good things in life.
If you’re living with the loss of a loved one, this might bring up some feelings of guilt. However, experiencing joy and happiness is crucial to moving forward. And forcing yourself to stay in a negative state of mind won’t change the situation.
It’s OK to not be OK
A profound loss, like the death of a loved one, can look vastly different from a job rejection, noted therapist Victoria Fisher, LMSW. “In both cases, it’s imperative to allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling and remember that it’s OK not to be OK.”
Even if you’re doing everything you can to work through your heartbreak, you’ll probably still have off days. Take them as they come, and try again tomorrow.
Seek self-acceptance
Don’t expect your grief to go away sooner than when it’s ready. Try to accept your new reality and understand that your grief will take some time to heal.
The hard truth about loss is that it can change your life forever. There will be moments when you feel overcome with heartache, but there will also be others when you see a glimmer of light.
For some grief, as Fisher noted, “it’s a matter of surviving for a while until you gradually build a new, different life with an open space for the grief when it arises.”