Momming with MS: How I Handle the Challenges of Parenthood

People with MS experience a range of symptoms, which can vary from person to person. Some symptoms can affect a person’s physical abilities, thinking, energy, and mood.

“There were times when I couldn’t pick my daughter up,” Kresence said. “Times when she wanted me to play around with her, and my body was too tired, or the bottom of my feet hurt, or I had lost sensation or strength in my hand.”

“I also have trouble with cognitive issues,” she added. “I can’t remember everything. Sometimes, I have brain fog. ‘Oh my gosh, I forgot to put the permission slip in her book bag! How could I forget it?’”

Kresence said that adjusting to her symptoms has taken time and self-compassion.

Her understanding of what it means to be a woman and mother has shifted.

“I come from the school of thought: Women can do everything,” Kresence said. “You should never complain. If something’s wrong with you, you manage it, you take care of it, you suck it up, and you keep moving. So, providing myself with grace took a really long time. I really had to dive deep into not only what MS means but also what it looks like for me in relation to my lesion placement and how that impacts my body.”

Kresence’s daughter is 8 years old, and her son is 4 years old. They’re too young to understand the medical complexities of MS, but Kresence has started to teach them about how the condition affects her.

“I think it’s important to have a conversation with them about what MS is because we’re our children’s first teachers,” she said. “I say to them, ‘Mommy’s body hurts’ or ‘My hands feel tingly,’ so I’ll describe the symptoms without putting a [technical] label on it.”

Her daughter likes to sit with her and brainstorm strategies for managing Kresence’s symptoms together.

Kresence has concerns about how her condition might affect her kids, but she also hopes they will learn from these experiences and the example she sets to be kind to themselves when facing challenges in life.

“If I make a mistake, I’ll say, ‘Oh my goodness, I can’t believe I did that. I need to slow down,’” she said. “I practice positive self-talk as a way to give myself grace, and my daughter and son see that and are less inclined to beat up on themselves when they make a mistake.”

A wide variety of triggers can cause a flare of MS or a period of time when symptoms get worse.

Learning to be flexible is important for managing the unpredictability of flares, said Kresence.

“It sometimes makes it difficult to plan your day-to-day or special activities,” she said. “You have to be flexible in your mindset and your expectations of yourself.”

Kresence’s main triggers are stress and lack of sleep, which are hard to avoid as a parent.

She does what she can to limit these triggers, but she still has flares.

“I’ve learned how to provide myself with accommodations during flares, so I can get through whatever the task is on whatever the day is,” Kresence said.

Sometimes, that means letting the laundry or dishes pile up while she catches up on rest.

Sometimes, it means finding creative ways to spend time with her kids.

“Maybe it means laying on the couch with the kids and making it a fun activity: ‘We’re gonna have a movie night and lounge together!’ I might not be able to get up and move a lot, but I can still be present as a parent,” she said.

Support from friends, family, and other community members can help ease the challenges of managing MS.

“Find a person or village to help you, and be flexible in what that help looks like, whether they come and help with your children, drop something off, or are somebody to talk with on the phone,” said Kresence.

Her social support network includes her sister, cousin, and other family members who offer practical help and encouragement. They travel from out of town to provide child care or join her at treatment appointments. When they can’t join her in person, they keep her company virtually using online technologies like FaceTime.

Kresence also emphasized the importance of having a multidisciplinary healthcare team with multiple professionals working together to manage the effects of MS.

Her current team includes a neurologist who is a medical expert and a mother herself, which adds a dimension to their interactions that Kresence appreciates.

“We’ve had moments where she’s looked at me and said, ‘If you don’t take care of yourself, how are you going to take care of your kids?’ People say that all the time, but she’s a mother who sees my test results and helps me make sense of what my reality is. She lets me know: ‘You have permission to slow down,’” said Kresence.

A variety of assistive devices and other resources are available to help people with MS manage the condition.

“Find assistive devices and systems that make your life a little bit more manageable,” said Kresence. “MS is a disability, and we need to use the things that are out there for us. Don’t be ashamed to use them.”

Some of the tools and resources she uses include:

• assistive tools for opening jars and pulling zippers up and down when her hands are weak
• supportive cushions and massage tools to ease pain in her back and feet while she’s working
• scheduled delivery and pick-up services for groceries and other shopping

Kresence has found these tools and resources through a combination of trial and error, suggestions from loved ones, and information from the National Multiple Sclerosis Society.

“We have to find ways to accommodate ourselves so we run our lives with MS, instead of MS running our lives,” said Kresence. “We can’t change our diagnosis, but we can change our behaviors and how we manage symptoms of MS. It’s OK to be scared. It’s OK to take some time to grieve because life is no longer what it used to be. But then you’ve gotta get back out there.”

Kresence Greenwood is a 38-year-old mother of two and a licensed professional counselor. She has lived with MS since 2016, the same year that her daughter was born.